


The McGonagall Monologues

by mariana_oconnor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Marauders' Era, Monologue, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-18
Updated: 2009-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-22 23:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariana_oconnor/pseuds/mariana_oconnor
Summary: A few glimpses into Professor McGonagall's dealings with the Marauders during their time at Hogwarts.





	1. What Happened This Time?

“Black… Potter. What a surprise. Mr Lupin as well, I see, and even Mr Pettigrew. This is quite the party, isn’t it?  
  
What’s that, Mr Black? I didn’t quite hear you.  
  
I am fairly certain that Mr Snape is in no way related to the Giant Squid. And ten points from Gryffindor for your language.  
  
Pardon, Mr Lupin?  
  
Ah, His brother cast a cursing hex on him, he can’t help it. Then he shouldn’t be speaking at all. Perhaps you would like to tell me what happened, Mr Pettigrew.  
  
Nothing? I find that hard to believe considering you’re bright green.  
  
Yes, Mr Potter?  
  
Of course none of it is your fault: it never is… Mr Snape had it coming. I seem to remember that being your excuse last week as well.  
  
Mr Pettigrew, please try to keep Mr Black quiet.  
  
I don’t really mind how, as long as he stops swearing.  
  
Mr Lupin, perhaps you’d like to begin.  
  
You were sitting minding your own business – as usual? Then why did…  
  
It was a vicious and unprovoked attack… I see… Mr Snape came at you out of nowhere and hit Mr Potter in the face.  
  
Quite, Mr Potter, it is usually held to be bad form to hit someone wearing glasses.  
  
No Mr Black, I must say I do not believe Mr Snape is that… or that. Mr Pettigrew, if you cannot keep him quiet I will have to take more points from Gryffindor… thank you.  
  
Mr Potter, can you think of nothing that you might have done to instil in Mr Snape such an overwhelming urge to hit you in the face that he chased you down five corridors, two flights of stairs, and twice around the lake?  
  
No?  
  
Not even a meaningfully raised eyebrow? Something you might have muttered under your breath as you walked past him… a particular incantation perhaps.  
  
Still no idea what I’m talking about I see. Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Does any of you have any idea what happened to Mr Snape’s nose?  
  
Ah, a sea of blank faces. You really are getting better at that.  
  
Pardon, Mr Black? You didn’t see anything different about his nose?  
  
Please stop giggling, Mr Pettigrew.  
  
I shall remind you then. Mr Snape’s nose did not, before twenty minutes ago, bear such a remarkable likeness to an elephant’s trunk.  
  
Mr Lupin, do you have anything to say?  
  
I’m sure your sympathy for his predicament is unrivalled, except maybe by the sympathies of your allies here. Do you have no idea who performed this interesting piece of transfiguration?  
  
No memory of the incident, I see.  
  
Mr Pettigrew?  
  
Mr Snape deserved everything he got? I imagine it was him who turned you that peculiar emerald shade then.  
  
He was aiming at Potter…   
  
As we seem to have run out of lines of enquiry about that, perhaps we should get onto the more pressing matter of how the four of you ended up on the roof of the north tower when you should have been in a history of magic lesson.  
  
It’s a bit early in the year for freak tornados I’m afraid, Mr Potter.  
  
Flying monkeys? Perhaps they escaped from the nearby wizarding zoo, Mr Black.  
  
Mr Black has suddenly discovered that he can fly without the aid of a broom… Mr Pettigrew, that is fascinating. I shall write to the Ministry immediately, informing them of this momentous occurrence.  
  
The Giant Squid threw you? I shall be certain to have words with it, Mr Lupin.  
  
Mr Black, until such a time as that curse has elapsed I am afraid that I will have to perform a silencing charm on you, do you have any objections?  
  
Quite…  _Silencio_. That’s better. You were saying, Mr Potter?  
  
A cloud of leprechauns picked you up and carried you to the top of the tower to rescue you from the acromantula who was attacking you?  
  
The  _herd_  of Acromantula. Go on Mr Potter.  
  
Really… that is incredible, considering there have been no dragon sightings in the vicinity for at least three hundred years.  
  
And Mr Lupin fell off… I imagine that that is when he got that rather spectacular black eye.  
  
But you caught him, Mr Black… yes, I can understand your sign language. Ah, I see that curse carries over into any form of communication. Five points from Gryffindor.  
  
I know it’s not fair, Mr Pettigrew, but the rules are the rules.  
  
No I would not punish a student with Tourette syndrome, Mr Lupin…  
  
Yes, I see how Mr Black’s current affliction is similar, however…  
  
Indeed, it does appear slightly hypocritical.  
  
Yes, Mr Potter. Fifteen points to Gryffindor.  
  
Do I want to hear about how Mr Potter gained that tail?  
  
No… I don’t think I do…  
  
Yes, Mr Black you may go. I suggest you visit the hospital wing first though.  
  
Thank you, Mr Potter. I imagine I will have a good day as long as the four of you are absent from it.  
  
Take your hand off your forehead, Mr Black, I get the idea. It doesn’t mean I want to see you in my office again today, or this term for that matter.  
  
I agree with you whole heartedly, Mr Lupin, that does seem unlikely.  
  
It never is your fault, Mr Potter. You’re always very careful about that.  
  
Good bye, Mr Pettigrew.  
  
Good bye, Mr Black…  
  
_Good bye_ , Mr Black.  
  
…  
  
…Thank Merlin.  
  
…  
  
Yes, Professor Slughorn?  
  
You found these boys setting off fireworks in the corridor?  
  
…Mr Potter, Mr Black – what happened this time?”


	2. Sid

Mr Potter! Mr Black! My office…  _Now_ , Mr Black!  
  
That two members of my house should have… I am highly disappointed in  _both_  of you.  
  
You had better be able to explain, Mr Black.  
  
A falling wardrobe?  
  
A  _flying_  wardrobe?  
  
Yes, Mr Black, I am fully aware that there is a charm which could do that… there are, in fact, several, and a number of transfigurations which would have the same effect. I am, however, unable to see why anyone would wish to use one of those methods to make a large piece of mahogany furniture pursue you around the dungeon.  
  
I was wondering when Mr Snape’s name would come up. What terrible ordeal did you subject him to this time that caused him to think up such a punishment?  
  
Mr Black, unlike much of the teaching population of this school I am well able to see past your looks of contrived innocence.  
  
Don’t bother to look injured Mr Potter… please turn out your pockets.  
  
I am your head of house; this is not an infringement of your civil liberties.  
  
Mr Black, if you do not turn out your pockets in thirty seconds I will be forced to remove twenty points from Gryffindor.   
  
I do not  _like_  taking points from my own house, Mr Black.  
  
Two galleons, fourteen knuts, five dung bombs and a lizard? The dungbombs are confiscated and I suggest you return the poor reptile whence it came.  
  
Now the other one…   
  
… I’m waiting.  
  
A rock?  _Stop laughing, Mr Potter._  
  
Why, tell me, do you have a rock named  _Sid_  in your pocket?”  
  
A pet  _rock_ … not content with the lizard and your owl?  
  
I am sure  _Sid_  is a great conversationalist. Are you confident that he is not, perhaps,  _hiding_  something?  
  
Maybe inanimate objects  _do_  find it difficult to keep secrets, but students do not.  
  
You seem a little pale, Mr Black… Is there something you would like to say?  
  
Mr Potter?  
  
…  
  
No? Then if I were to perform a reverse transfiguration on  _Sid_  here neither of you believes anything would happen?  
  
Gentlemen, volumes could be written about the contents of your silence.  
  
Reverso Incantatem  
  
How unexpected! Does either of you recognise this book?  
  
Maybe it would help if we were to look inside.  
  
_‘To Sev, Happy 16th, hope you have a wonderful day, Lily.’_  It would appear that this book belongs to Mr Snape. The very same person who enchanted a large wardrobe to attack you. What an improbable coincidence.   
  
Indeed Mr Potter. Has either of you  _any_  idea how it could possibly have ended up as a stone in Mr Black’s pocket?  
  
A case of mistaken identity?  
  
I’m sure that wherever Sid is, if he does, in fact, exist, he is perfectly happy and in no immediate danger.  
  
Mr Potter, do you not find it more likely that Mr Black merely mislaid his rock?  
  
Calling in the aurors for a case of unsubstantiated and unlikely rocknapping seems a little extreme.  
  
Mr Potter, please calm Mr Black down.  
  
If you could just stop him from wailing it might be helpful.  
  
Mr Black, if you do not cease your catawauling immediately you will be in detention for the next two weeks…  
  
… and banned from watching Saturday’s quidditch game.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Two points from Gryffindor for each of the dungbombs, ten from Mr Black for stealing the possession of another student, ten from Mr Potter for helping him and ten points from Gryffindor for magic outside of the classroom.  
  
I shall return it to Mr Snape.  
  
No, I don't believe a poster campaign would be a good idea. I'm sure Sid will find his own way back.   
  
Then you shall have to wait for a ransome note.  
  
Oh… and, Mr Potter.  
  
Impressive transfiguration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at http://definewisdom.livejournal.com/11573.html


	3. Zombie Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the middle of the night and Professor McGonagall is unhappy with being dragged out of bed, but the culprits aren't quite who she suspected.

Yes Argus?

Mr Black and Mr Lupin? Bring them in.

What – no Potter? Or did he just get away too quickly for Mr Filch to follow him?

Ah… blessed silence. I see you refuse to confirm or deny Mr Potter’s presence.

Pardon, Mr Black

‘That’s how it seems’ I could have sworn you said ‘in his dreams’

I must have been mistaken

Mr Lupin, I would appreciate it if you would not elbow Mr Black in the stomach no matter how much of an idiot he is being.

Apology accepted.

So if all question of Mr Potter has been excluded from your current shenanigans, might I inquire as to what two of my students were doing in the store cupboard of the fourth floor at half past midnight.

I am fairly certain that there are no zombies wandering the halls of the school, Mr Black.

Five points from Gryffindor for suggesting a member of staff is a reanimated corpse

Then what did he mean, Mr Lupin?

Ah – you thought Mr Filch was a zombie…

What inspired you to believe the undead had taken over the school?

Mr Pettigrew was sleepwalking – I see.

And you followed him because you thought he was looking for brains to eat – no chance of finding them in your dormitory, clearly.

By any chance, Mr Black, have you recently seen a muggle horror film?

Really…

Just a lucky guess.

Mr Lupin – would you like to tell me what bizarre force really got the two of you up, out of your beds, downstairs, round two corridors and into a locked room?

If Mr Black was unwell then surely your first port of call should have been the hospital wind

Mr Lupin, the fourth floor store cupboard is in the opposite direction from the hospital wing. If you were indeed on your way there then you should not have been anywhere in the vicinity.

Forgive me if I find it difficult to believe that you had trouble finding the hospital wing, or that Mr Black had trouble finding anything in this school.

The sickness seems to have cleared up marvellously, Mr Black, doesn’t it? Are you still feeling disorientated?

How exactly did Mr Lupin cure you?

Pardon?

And what shock was so great that it cause you to arise from your deathbed?

You were attacked by an army of enraged imps… I presume that is why the two of you look so dishevelled, although I cannot imagine why Mr Lupin’s shirt is wrongly buttoned.

Getting dressed in the dark so as not to wake Mr Potter or Mr Pettigrew, quite.

And this army of imps appeared from nowhere, did it?

I am fairly certain Professor Flitwick does not keep an illegal imp farm in his office.

No, Mr Black, you have not seen it.

And after they broke free of Professor Flitwick’s tyrannical regime where exactly did they disappear to?

I shall make sure that Hagrid knows to keep an eye out for them when he next goes in there.

Of course, if they ran off then there was no need for you to hide in the cupboard.

Ah… the zombies returned. The same zombies as before I presume, led by your erstwhile friend Mr Pettigrew, whom, to avoid waking, you got dressed with the light off.

You didn’t realise he was a zombie until you had already awoken, felt sick, woken Mr Lupin, had a conversation and got dressed?

And Mr Pettigrew and his undead friends vanished into thin air, or did they too embrace liberty in the Forbidden Forest like their emancipated imp brethren?

Mr Black, I am perfectly aware that imps and zombies are not related.

Perhaps the word brethren was too strong, Allies maybe.

Mr Lupin, I frankly do not care whether the imps and the zombies were working together. I would merely like to know why, when Mr Filch arrived on the scene of such a dramatic uprising, he found no sign of anything other than the two of you in your current state of disarray

Zombies are scared of cats?

Please, Mr Black, I would prefer not to hear the theory behind that, interesting and Egyptian though it may be.

No buts… I am tired and it is one am. Ten points from each of you and detention on Friday night. Please return to your beds.

If you see another Zombie, Mr Black, I suggest you pretend to be a cat.

That is all, Mr Black – good night. Try not to get sidetracked into any more cupboards on your way back to Gryffindor tower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at http://definewisdom.livejournal.com/12019.html


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a small issue with the animagus transformation, James and Remus are called to Professor McGonagall's office to explain a slight canine problem the school is having.

“Mr Potter, Mr Lupin. I had hoped that a week would pass without my having to resort to the dubious pleasure of your company but, alas, it seems I was mistaken.  
  
I take, from your cry of relief, that this animal is yours.  
  
I can see that that is a dog, Mr Potter. I am not blind nor am I mad, though you and Mr Black have made a valiant attempt on that score. What I do not know, however, is how it got here.  
  
You found it? You brought a stray animal into the castle without informing a member of staff? While  _your_  lack of consideration and forethought does not surprise me, Mr Potter, I have to say that I would not expect quite such a deficiency in you, Mr Lupin.  
  
 _It_  found  _you_? As that may be, Mr Lupin, you still should have informed a member of staff and taken it to either Hagrid or Madam Pomfrey to have it checked over for diseases.  
  
It may seem perfectly healthy, but you can never judge on appearances.  
  
No you may  _not_  keep it.  
  
Dogs are not on the list of allowable student pets, Mr Potter.  
  
Speciesist or not, those are the rules.  
  
Given the chaos that this one animal has raised, I hardly think that the reasoning behind the rule need be explained.  
  
If you knew this was going to happen, Mr Lupin, then it might have been a better solution to prevent it than to wait for it to occur and then sigh in exasperation.  
  
Yes, Mr Potter, chaos. I might even go far as to say pandemonium. If I didn’t know better I would swear that this canine was related to you or Mr Black.  
  
I hardly think my comment was that funny, Mr Potter. Now, given that you two seem to have some responsibility for the animal I think it only fair that you be the ones to rectify the mayhem it has caused.  
  
It was found half an hour ago by two seventh year Slytherin students who reported that it was urinating on the entrance to their common room. You two had been heard to be asking about such an animal so it was brought to me.  
  
Mr Potter, it is most certainly not a good dog! Five points from Gryffindor for endorsing the vandalism of another house’s common room.  
  
No, Mr Potter, there will be no biscuits, nor treats of any kind for your dog. In fact, the animal must be removed from the school, immediately, and the pair of you will be on detention for the rest of the week until the damage caused by this canine nightmare has been fixed.   
  
That comment, Mr Potter, has earned you the joy of cleaning up the urine and also five points from Gryffindor.  
  
No, Mr Potter, I am not finished yet. I have barely even begun to describe the activities which this dog has indulged in during the last twenty four hours.  
  
Well, Mr Lupin. Argus has supplied me with a list of known offences. It seems that – so far – your pet has overturned seventeen suits of armour, disrupted four lessons and stolen bags from six students, leaving their contents strewn down the passageways. Madam Pince has complained that it earlier went on a rampage in the library, knocked over three tables and destroyed five books.  
  
Yes, I do have the titles:  _A Treatise on the Control and Extermination of Dark Creatures_ ,  _The Political and Philosophical Catalysts of the Fourth Goblin War_ ,  _A Complete History of British Wizarding Bloodlines_ , and two copies of  _Hogwarts, a History_. I believe it had chewed its way through to the seventh chapter of the second copy before Madam Pince chased it out. She is, naturally, very upset, although she admits that the damage could have been far worse.  
  
Bad dog does not quite do the animal justice, Mr Lupin. Hell hound might be more appropriate.   
  
I am still not finished. In addition to this it appears to have taken a peculiar distaste to Mr Snape, one might even call it a vendetta. Had it not been for its apparent connection to you Mr Potter, I might have deemed this purely coincidental but now…   
  
It entered his Charms lesson this morning and stole his wand then proceeded to lead him on a chase round the entire school before dropping it into the lake. It also chewed up his potions essay, jumped out at him twelve times over the course of the day and he is now in the hospital wing after having broken down in my Transfiguration lesson whimpering about an evil dog. Until the animal was brought to me I feared for his mental health.  
  
Mr Potter, I hardly think such harassment is a laughing matter.  
  
No, Mr Lupin, that is  _still_  not all. The creature appeared in the third year divination class after lunch and half the students are now convinced that they have seen a Grim and are about to die. Professor Delphine has cancelled all her lessons for the rest of the term and Professor Dumbledore is currently trying to convince her not to retire immediately and pursue her lifetime dream of visiting the soothsayers of South America before it is too late.  
  
Mr Lupin, I cannot condone the insulting of any member of the Hogwarts staff, although I agree that her concerns appear a little spurious, especially when I am confronted with the animal in question.  
  
No, Mr Potter, I am still not finished. There remains the small matter of a suitable sentence for being instrumental in this disaster.  
  
As it is impossible to connect either of you directly with its acts of terrorism, I feel it would be unfair to be too harsh.   
  
I am sure I could survive without your undying gratitude, Mr Potter, as every time I have received it so far it has merely led to you appearing in my office more frequently because of worse incidents.  
  
I think ten points each from Gryffindor for having brought the animal into the school in the first place and for being unable to control it. Mr Lupin, report to Madam Pince in the library tonight at seven; Mr Potter, Mr Filch will be waiting for you in the entrance hall at the same time.  
  
Please get your dog to desist from looking at me like that.  
  
Mr Lupin, I don’t care if it has never listened to you before, you will attempt to control…  
  
Get off my lap.  
  
I don’t care what  _he_  wants, Mr Potter.  _I_  want him out of my office.  
  
Don’t whine at me like that.  
  
I was talking to the dog, not you, Mr Potter.  
  
I am not going to encourage the creature, Mr Lupin.  
  
Off! Stop looking at me like that.  
  
I don’t care if he does like me, Mr Potter. I have always been more of a cat person.  
  
 _Fine_. If that gets it off me. There, happy now?   
  
…  
  
That pile contained Second Year Transfiguration essays, Mr Potter.   
  
I understand that it was an accident, Mr Lupin, but the fact remains that if the dog had not been here its tail would not have knocked over the ink and I would not have to clean it up.  
  
No… sit! Sit!   
  
The dog must go.  
  
No buts. Let this be a lesson to you not to pick up strays.   
  
Fine, you have until the end of the week to find a suitable arrangement for it. But if anything else happens then I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. Do we have an agreement?  
  
Good.  
  
Mr Black and Mr Pettigrew are conspicuously missing. While the eternal optimist in me hopes that their absence is because they saw the error of their ways and have decided to become model students and better human beings, the realist understands that this is more likely to be because they are have yet to be caught and further devastation follows in their wake. Please tell me that I am wrong.  
  
Stuck how?  
  
On second thoughts, I don’t want to know. As long as they are somewhere other than here I am sure I will manage. If you see them and they happen to be engaging in activities I would not appreciate, please tell them that today I am not in the mood for another of their visits.  
  
Mr Potter, why is your pocket squeaking?  
  
Yes, it is… It is also wriggling.   
  
I am glad you are being so forward thinking with your homework.  
  
Remember, 7 o’clock tonight, sharp, both of you. If Madam Pince or Mr Filch reports that you have been absent or even a half a minute late, then I shall be forced to take more extreme measures.  
  
Now, please remove yourselves and your menagerie from my sight.  
  
One way or another it will be leaving whether it wants to or not, Mr Lupin.  
  
Mr Potter, perhaps you should help him instead of grinning inanely in the doorway.  
  
Good, it seems that you  _can_  get it to behave, try to keep it up.  
  
Please shut the door behind you, Mr Potter.   
  
Goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally posted at http://definewisdom.livejournal.com/26010.html


	5. Hogsmeade Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogsmeade Weekend should be a day off for Minerva, she isn't even on duty. But things never go quite according to plan when James Potter and Sirius Black are involved.

“Mr Pettigrew. Alone today, I see. Might I ask why you are here interrupting my leisurely drink during a Hogsmeade weekend when you should instead be irritating the poor unfortunates who live here.  
  
I have no doubt that Mr Black and Mr Potter are in trouble: that is their general state of being. The wonderful thing about today, however, is that  _their_  trouble, for once, is not  _mine_.  
  
Professors Slughorn and Vector are on Hogsmeade duty today; please direct your concerns to them, not me.  
  
Mr Pettigrew, I’m afraid you may have to speak a little slower if you expect me to be able to interpret.  
  
What do you mean: Professor Slughorn is a monkey?  
  
And who exactly  _was_  Mr Black aiming for?  
  
Sadly that makes all too much sense. However, even if Professor Slughorn is  _indisposed_ , might I still recommend that you go to Professor Vector and allow me to finish my Gillywater in peace?  
  
… Am I to take, by the look of abject terror on your face that something has also happened to Professor Vector?   
  
I gather from the hole you are gnawing into your bottom lip that it’s worse than being turned into a monkey.  
  
Mumbling the words will not make the problem go away, Mr Pettigrew.  
  
I think I must have misheard you. Did you say that Professor Vector had been kidnapped by a  _squirrel_?  
  
You did? Oh… I feel certain that I will regret the next words that come out of my mouth and yet I feel obliged to say them anyway: how, exactly, did that happen?  
  
… no, I can’t say I am familiar with the effects shrinking charms have on humans, although I am sure Mr Potter will find great enjoyment writing an essay on them for me in detention on Tuesday, while Mr Black details the complex ethical concerns of using animal transfiguration on humans.  
  
And what exactly would a squirrel want with Professor Vector, three inches tall or not? Do you think that it has a desperate interest in learning Arithmancy?  
  
Humans look nothing like baby squirrels, Mr Pettigrew. Mr Black has a rather overactive imagination; if I were you, I’d stop paying such great attention to what he has to say and focus your attentions more fully on your lessons and trying to stay away from the trouble that seems to follow your friends around.  
  
I am positive, no matter what Mr Potter may have said, that squirrels do not have a taste for human flesh.  
  
Not even Professor Vector’s.  
  
Mr Pettigrew, you do not need to worry about Professor Vector. Even as a three inch tall wizard he is still a wizard and therefore more than capable of taking care of himself against a squirrel.   
  
Please, for the sake of my sanity, do not tell me that there is more to come.  
  
Thank Merlin… Miss Evans? If the reason you are out of breath and eager for my attention is to inform me of what has happened to Professor Slughorn and Professor Vector, then Mr Pettigrew has already updated me on the situation.  
  
Of  _course_  there’s more. Potter and Black were involved, how could there not be more?  
  
Please continue, Miss Evans, heaven forbid I should ever be allowed to finish one small drink without James Potter and Sirius Black causing me a minor heart attack.  
  
I am aware of the squirrel situation, yes, though as I told Mr Pettigrew, there is no cause for great alarm.  
  
I see… so Mr Potter was attempting to rectify the situation?  
  
Let me guess: instead of hitting the Professor, he hit the squirrel.  
  
After years of dealing with the antics of Black and Potter, certain patterns emerge. For some reason, a giant squirrel seemed just the thing to make this story complete. Tell me, Miss Evans, is it too much to ask that the poor, traumatised creature is huddled in a ball somewhere causing no alarm or damage to –   
  
Enraged? Really, I can’t  _imagine_  why. Has it killed anyone yet?  
  
Not even Potter or Black?  
  
I suppose that was a bit too much to ask. Although, it’s probably for the best: Walburga Black would not take well to hearing that her eldest son and heir had been squashed by a sixteen foot squirrel.  
  
There is  _always_  more, Miss Evans. It is a never-ending stream of catastrophe and calamity where those two are concerned.  
  
Professor Slughorn is  _what_?  
  
Yes, that’s what I thought you said.   
  
Mr Pettigrew, stay where you are! I don’t care if your Potions Master  _is_  involved in a death match with a giant squirrel; there is nothing to gawk at out there.  _Mr Pettigrew!_  
  
Would you say the giant squirrel was winning, Miss Evans?  
  
Really, he went for the tail… interesting choice. Dare I ask what Mr Potter and Mr Black were doing during this altercation?  
  
I was under the impression that Mr Lupin was the resident bookmaker.  
  
Oh, of course, I’d forgotten. His mother  _is_  very unwell at the moment.   
  
The carnage does seem to be getting closer, doesn’t it? I imagine, from the screams of terror that the sound of shattering glass came from Honeydukes’ front window.  
  
Right. I’ll be out in a second, Miss Evans.  
  
Oh and, Miss Evans? Tell Mr Black to put a galleon on the giant squirrel.  
  
…  
  
Rosmerta, I’ll be back in five minutes, could you pour me a firewhiskey, please?  
  
Yes, that  _was_  a monkey trying to strangle a giant squirrel. Why do you ask?  
  
Rosmerta? You’d better make that a double.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally posted at http://definewisdom.livejournal.com/26276.html


End file.
